House Rules

Ok so my most recent obsession is one Christian Kane. He TOTALLY rocks! He’s an actor in Leverage on TNT. He is an amazing actor but he’s also a professional singer (my all time favorite song is Whiskey in Mind – seriously? Check him out!), B.A.B.S. and I had the pleasure of being able to see him live one fateful Thursday night. We met a girl in the bathroom and ended up partying backstage but we’ll get to that story later, all I’m gonna say about that is that he’s a really cool guy!

Anyway, he has a song titled House Rules in which one line quotes, ‘Rule number 7 says don’t touch the ladies but they can grab whatever they want to’ and that got B.A.B.S and I thinking about what our house rules would be… You should know that we don’t actually live together – she lives with Win-Win and I’m more like a permanent visitor – what can I say? I’m a professional couch surfer!

So, Vixen and I got together to give them a nice housewarming present: a bottle of champagne, two poster boards, a sharpie and couple hours later….This is what we have:

1. No guys allowed to stay the night without approval from all roommates.
1a. Perky is not considered a roommate.
1b. unless she brings alcohol

2. No dancing on public furniture.
2a. the ottoman is exempt
2b. so is the couch
2c. so is the countertop
2d. so are all the chairs and the table

3. Rule 2 is reversed – dancing is always allowed!

4. No guests are allowed to DJ without a proper interview and a mandatory trial period.
4a. Perky is not considered a guest.
4b. unless she forgot the alcohol

5. No more going out on the deck in only underwear.
5a. Rule is optional when intoxicated

6. What happens on girls night, stays at girls night.
6a. Unless is exceptionally mock worthy and then anything’s fair game!

7. B.A.B.S. is not allowed in the kitchen without a fire extinguisher on standby.

8. Win-Win always gets final say on whether or not an idea is safe, sane, or stupid.
8a. B.A.B.S. has the right to disregard but in that case Win-Win gets full ‘I told you so’ rights.

9. Do not anger a tired Perky.
9a. Just give her alcohol and then point and laugh.

10. Any roommate is allowed to point out when another is being a bitch without a backlash.
10a. Perky is always a bitch but when she gets exceptionally bad any roommate is allowed to kick her out without a backlash.

11. No making out with other roommates
11a. Rule is optional when intoxicated
11b. Rule is optional when horny
11c. Rule is optional when bored
11d. When rules 11.a through 11.c are enacted Win-Win’s door is to remain locked and barricaded for the duration

12. Never leave anything of any value in B.A.B.S. car – you may never see it again.

13. No nefarious sex acts allowed to take place in the apartment.
13a. Win-Win gets to decide what nefarious means.

14. B.A.B.S. is not allowed to play beer pong without a chaperone.

15. No porn, lingerie, or sex toys can be left in the public areas.

16. No pets.
16a. Perky is not considered a pet.

17.Doritos are not a breakfast food.
17a. unless they’re going stale

18. If you drop it pick it up, if you spill it clean it up, if you break it fix it, if you lose it, B.A.B.S., buy a new one.

19. Never unscrew your own cork – that’s what the cute neighbors hanging out in the weight room are for.

20. If a random drunk stranger tells you he can help jimmy your lock with a knife and a bobby pin be sure to warn your roommate first or she might wake up to find him standing in the door with a knife.

21. Chick flick moments are not allowed to occur more than once per month and when they do all parties who participated in said Moments are then required to get so drunk they forget the Moment ever occurred.

Did a tele-marketer just ask me out?

So… You know how annoying tele-marketers are? How they always call right around dinnertime and keep you on the line just ‘cause they can? Well here’s a recounting of the conversation I had with one last night…

T: I’m calling to let you know about Wyndham Vacation Resorts preferred customer program yada yada yada river walk blah blah blah San Antonio…

Me: Let me stop you right there, I don’t know who you’re trying to call but I’ve never stayed at a Wyndham hotel anywhere.

T: Actually because Wyndham hotel owns… (a lot of technical jargon that, let’s be honest, I wasn’t paying attention to but what it boils down to is that Wyndham hotels owns Days Inn and that’s where B.A.B.S. and I stayed in August of 2007 in Austin and that is an awesome story but I’ll tell you that one later… Let me just say that keys, combs, and scissors do not make a good replacement for a corkscrew! You know, in retrospect…)

Me: That’s a little creepy how much you know about our trip. Tell me… What color shirt was I wearing?

T: Haha! Let me just finish this – I have to tell you about this because my boss keeps coming over… Let me tell you about our new blah blah blah… Have you ever been to the river walk in San Antonio?

Me: Yes, I just didn’t stay in a hotel

T: Fair enough, fair enough… Did you have fun?

Me: Of course!

T: Now let me just ask you… I’m sorry if this is rude but you just have one of those voices… Are you over the age of 28?

Me: (laughing now) No, I’m only 24

T: I’m so sorry but because of your age. You’re too young. You can’t actually get these rewards yet…

Me: Lucky me!

T: (laughing that turned into cough) Let me see what I can do… Do you have a husband?

Me: umm…. No

T: Do you have a live in boyfriend?

Me: No

T: Are you hot?

Me: (very hesitantly) umm… Yes?

T: Do you want a live in boyfriend?

Me: NO!!!

T: I wouldn’t live for long… I mean, I would live for a long time but I would only live with you for long enough for you to apply for this – you could get a free trip. We could go together.

Me: … (stunned silence) You know what? I think I’m good.

T: Well it’s been good talking to you. Thanks for listening to… Oh shit here comes my boss (click)…

Yeah… That just happened!

Meet the Characters

In any story about my life, my girl B.A.B.S. will feature very prominently! She and I are two peas in a pod! We’re one of a kind! (wait… never mind) We have always inspired each other to greater levels of insanity and without her I would most likely be a very boring, lonely person, with an invisible cat (no really, her name was Tilly)! So, how did I meet such a person? I’m glad you asked!

I was born in 1986 deep in the jungles of Papua New Guinea, to two missionaries who were very much in love. But, that’s not what this story is about. I was born in a doctors office becuase there was no room for me in the… hospital (what did you think I was gonna say?) And because of the time change between there and Texas (where the rest of my family lived) my grandparents were able to proudly call up their friends and tell them all about their beautiful grandaughter born 6 lbs, 8 oz at 8.50 am… tomorrow morning.

When I was three I crawled into the monkey cage at the zoo and my parents have since confided in me that they’ve never been quite certain that they got back the right baby! But that’s not where this story actually begins. When we moved to the states we lived in a very old house, the kind of house that tells stories, holds secrets, and can take you on grand adventures. And there, along with my three best friends (my sister, the mulberry tree out front, and my invisible cat – and you thought I was teasing about that) my imagination was allowed to soar.

When I was Twelve I met a very strange little girl. She had crazy blond hair that she’d cut herself, a crooked grin, and a mischevious twinkle in both eyes. She had a huge family and just a hint of the trickster in her blood line. A very strange little girl indeed. We became fast friends that afternoon, partners in crime, accomplices, authors of each others adventures. And there in lies the tale.

We explored life like two kids with nothing to lose, we went on adventure after adventure and never lost our curiosity, She was the wild child who always acted before thinking and I was the awkward duck who overanalyzed everything. In those years following we made friends, lost loved ones, and learned hard lessons but we weren’t done growing up quite yet. Then, as with all great fairy tales, there was a magical transformation. When we were eighteen the tom boy turned into an enchanting goddess and the ugly duckling? Well, I earned the nickname Perky and that’s where the story REALLY begins…

Hello world!

Glad you found your way here!  Put up your feet, make yourself comfortable and hold on tight ’cause this is gonna be one hell of a ride!

My name’s Perky (we’ll get to the origin of that later)! You’ve probably met me before (I was the one with a big old bruise on her arm from a run in with a display case) you might have even had shots with me (Tequila anyone?) All I know is that adventure seems to follow me around and trouble is always right around the corner. I’m clumsy and wild with amazing friends and boy, do we have stories to tell!! That’s why I decided to start a blog.

Well, if I were to be honest… The reason why I started this blog is ’cause my girl Vixen (yet another story for another time) was mixing champagne, corona, and vicodin (because of a painful event including snowboarding, hot tubs, and a broken tailbone) and signed me up before I had a chance to change my mind. So here I am, telling you everything that I’ve learned!

In Retrospect:

noun

A review, survey, or contemplation of things in the past.

In retrospect, what would you do differently? Knowing what you know now, what would you change? What lessons have you learned? Looking back over my life and the many mistakes that I’ve made… I wouldn’t change a thing! Because some lessons are too fun to only learn once and some mistakes are too awesome to ever stop making them!