House Rules

51MCHP948VLOk so my most recent obsession is one Christian Kane. He TOTALLY rocks! He’s an actor in Leverage on TNT. He is an amazing actor but he’s also a professional singer (my all time favorite song is Whiskey in Mind – seriously? Check him out!), B.A.B.S. and I had the pleasure of being able to see him live one fateful Thursday night. We met a girl in the bathroom and ended up partying backstage but we’ll get to that story later, all I’m gonna say about that is that he’s a really cool guy!

Anyway, he has a song titled House Rules in which one line quotes, ‘Rule number 7 says don’t touch the ladies but they can grab whatever they want to’ and that got B.A.B.S and I thinking about what our house rules would be… You should know that we don’t actually live together – she lives with Win-Win and I’m more like a permanent visitor – what can I say? I’m a professional couch surfer!

So, Vixen and I got together to give them a nice housewarming present: a bottle of champagne, two poster boards, a sharpie and couple hours later….This is what we have:

House Rules

1. No guys allowed to stay the night without approval from all roommates.
1a. Perky is not considered a roommate.
1b. unless she brings alcohol

2. No dancing on public furniture.
2a. the ottoman is exempt
2b. so is the couch
2c. so is the countertop
2d. so are all the chairs and the table

3. Rule 2 is reversed – dancing is always allowed!

4. No guests are allowed to DJ without a proper interview and a mandatory trial period.
4a. Perky is not considered a guest.
4b. unless she forgot the alcohol

5. No more going out on the deck in only underwear.
5a. Rule is optional when intoxicated

6. What happens on girls night, stays at girls night.
6a. Unless it is exceptionally mock worthy and then anything’s fair game!

7. B.A.B.S. is not allowed in the kitchen without a fire extinguisher on standby.

8. Win-Win always gets final say on whether or not an idea is safe, sane, or stupid.
8a. B.A.B.S. has the right to disregard but in that case Win-Win gets full ‘I told you so’ rights.

9. Do not anger a tired Perky.
9a. Just give her alcohol and then point and laugh.

10. Any roommate is allowed to point out when another is being a bitch without a backlash.
10a. Perky is always a bitch but when she gets exceptionally bad any roommate is allowed to kick her out without a backlash.

11. No making out with other roommates
11a. Rule is optional when intoxicated
11b. Rule is optional when horny
11c. Rule is optional when bored
11d. When rules 11.a through 11.c are enacted Win-Win’s door is to remain locked and barricaded for the duration

12. Never leave anything of any value in B.A.B.S. car – you may never see it again.

13. No nefarious sex acts allowed to take place in the apartment.
13a. Win-Win gets to decide what nefarious means.

14. B.A.B.S. is not allowed to play beer pong without a chaperone.

15. No porn, lingerie, or sex toys can be left in the public areas.

16. No pets.
16a. Perky is not considered a pet.

17.Doritos are not a breakfast food.
17a. unless they’re going stale

18. If you drop it pick it up, if you spill it clean it up, if you break it fix it, if you lose it, B.A.B.S., buy a new one.

19. Never unscrew your own cork – that’s what the cute neighbors hanging out in the weight room are for.

20. If a random drunk stranger tells you he can help jimmy your lock with a knife and a bobby pin be sure to warn your roommate first or she might wake up to find him standing in the door with a knife.

21. Chick flick moments are not allowed to occur more than once per month and when they do all parties who participated in said Moments are then required to get so drunk they forget the Moment ever occurred.

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